A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500." "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the first man.
"Well," the owner says, "that parrot knows how to use a computer."
The man then asks about the next parrot, and is told that this one costs $1,000, because it can do everything the first parrot can, plus it knows how to use an UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot, and is told that it costs $2,000. "What can that bird do?" he urges, stunned.
The owner shrugs and replies, "To be honest, I haven't seen him do a damn thing. But the other two call him boss !"
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar:
"FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST!"
So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
Bartender: "Well, first you have to
drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once, AND you
can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore
tooth. You have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman
upstairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."
Man: "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You'd have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila...not to mention the rest of the test!"
But as time goes on, and the man's had a few too many drinks, he finally asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp as tears begin to stream down his face. He then staggers out back. Soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping...then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says, "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
The ABSOLUTE worst things to say to a police officer:
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph to keep up with me! Good Job!
You're not gonna check the boot, are you?
Gee Officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
HOW YOU CAN TELL WHEN IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY
- You wake up face-down on the pavement.
- You call Suicide Prevention, and they put you on hold.
- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
- You turn on the news, and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
- Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
- Your car horn goes off accidentally, and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
- Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill," and your name is George.